Extortion allegations against Donald Trump – A Satire

Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore/Flickr Donald Trump points aggressively while asserting his dominance at a press conference.

NEW YORK—A former seventh grader has come forward with shocking allegations against Donald Trump, which could further damage Mr. Trump’s chances of winning the presidency. The now-man, who prefers to be referred to only under the pseudonym William, alleges that Mr. Trump repeatedly stole his lunch money during the year of 1959, while they attended the Kew-Forest School in Queens. William claims that this would occur one to two times per week, when Mr. Trump, overcome by hunger and greed, would corner him with his gang of cronies to extort him of his daily lunch allowance.

William reflected that Mr. Trump typically appeared “visibly sweaty” and “red-faced” while ordering his gang to confront him. Rather than escalate the situation, and risk antagonizing a group of five or six good ole boys who were just fooling around, Henry peacefully handed over his money countless times to Mr. Trump. William alleges that Mr. Trump gave him the nickname “Wussy William” and often verbally abused him after his financial conquests. He cited a specific instance when Mr. Trump triumphantly yelled “Wussy William couldn’t be elected dog catcher if he ran!” as a particularly startling verbal assault.

When he asked Mr. Trump why he felt the need to repeatedly take his lunch money, Mr. Trump would not answer his question directly. However, William noted that Mr. Trump frequently ran out of his own allowance, and he concluded that Mr. Trump likely needed to exploit defenseless people to keep himself afloat after his own financial mismanagement.

Due to the severity of the allegations brought against Mr. Trump, many political pundits believe that his popularity numbers may dwindle at this crucial point in the election race.

Mr. Trump, however, remains unconcerned. In fact, Mr. Trump’s confidence in his campaign seems to have reached new heights, even when it seemed impossible for his self-appreciation to grow. In his most recent press conference, Mr. Trump affirmed his belief that he will win the 2016 election easily.

“I’m just thinking to myself right now, we should just cancel the election and just give it to Trump, right?” Trump said.

When asked specifically about the incident, Mr. Trump did not see his actions as extortion. Instead, he brushed them off and attempted to bond with the reporters on-site.

“I’m a negotiator, like you folks,” Trump said. “Is there anybody that doesn’t renegotiate deals in this room? This room negotiates them—perhaps more than any other room I’ve ever spoken in.”

He also dismissed assertions that he is both slimy and greedy and that he takes advantage of vulnerable people. He chalked up greed to be similar to the desire for success when it comes to business.

“The point is, you can never be too greedy,” Trump said. “I have made the tough decisions, always with an eye toward the bottom line. Perhaps it’s time America was run like a business.”

After praising his business sense and negotiation skills, Mr. Trump appeared visibly content. Interestingly, Mr. Trump’s content expression could be likened to that of someone who smells a particularly pungent cheese. To close his press conference, he boasted about his freshly done manicure and manhood, while showing off his abnormally small hands to the room.

“My fingers are long and beautiful, and it has been well-documented, as are various other parts of my body,” Trump said. “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Mr. Trump was not at all concerned with the allegations brought against him. He dismissed the validity of William’s case as “just boys having some fun” and that “Wussy William ought to grow up.” William intends to pursue the case against Mr. Trump as far as he is able. As far as his election chances go, Mr. Trump has the utmost faith in his ability to gain the presidency and said that he believes his campaign will be unaffected by William’s allegations.

At his press conference yesterday, Libertarian Party nominee, Gary Johnson, was asked about his own chances of winning the election, with the new allegations against Mr. Trump. For some pundits, Democratic Party candidate, Hillary Clinton, is the only real competition for Johnson after the latest hit to Mr. Trump’s campaign. Johnson’s response was kept short, as he attempted to influence the minds of the American public.

“I just hope my fellow Americans can refrain from voting for those two nuts,” Johnson said. “They ought to vote for the Johnson instead.”

The 2016 presidential election is heating up, and it is impossible to predict what the Nov. 8 Election Day results will be. Although Mr. Trump has no doubts that he will be the winner, even with the recent allegations against him, it is still left up to the American public to decide. William hopes that Mr. Trump loses the election, as it “would set things straight after all these years.” Secretary Clinton could not be reached for comment on the issue, as she was feeling faint.

Written by Walker Chuppe, Arts & Culture Editor