Goodbye Government

By Jackson Somes


As you know, the federal government has shut down. The only conceivable way you could not be aware of the shutdown is if you’ve been living under a rock, or as it’s now known: a luxury suite. Yes, the stalemate over the federal budget has created the apocalyptic hellscape that once was the United States of America. Modern society has collapsed and warring bands of feral children rule the wasteland.

But how did we get here? Just a couple weeks ago, as a nation, we appeared to be in such a strong and steady place. Jon Stewart was securely back at The Daily Show, Apple was continuing cutting edge iPhone innovation and Miley Cyrus found the time to join a construction crew as, I believe, the operator of a wrecking ball. Everything was looking great.

Then Obamacare came and ruined it all. Part of the federal budget proposed by congressional Republicans included an amendment that would forestall the implementation of the Affordable Care Act an additional year. President Obama and congressional Democrats then refused to accept this budget. How dare they! The congressional Republicans were just trying to save this country from impending socialism. First Obamacare is implemented and the next thing you know President Obama is surrendering all of America to the ghost of Karl Marx and I for one refuse to bow before Supreme Leader Zombie Stalin.

Who is the government to tell me that I need health insurance? They must know by now that young adults in America are invincible. That’s the reason we are the best age group for military recruitment, bullets simply don’t affect us. It’s science, look it up in a book. The only time I want to discover that I need health care is when I get severely injured and become overwhelmingly in debt. It’s called “the American way.”

With the Republicans insisting on delaying and defunding Obamacare and the Democrats defiantly trying to fund a legally established law, the deadline for creating a budget passed right on by. Neither side was able to find common ground, except of course, to agree that shutting down the government was better than finding common ground. What’s a loss of 800,000 jobs when the alternative is compromise? Those furloughed people don’t need jobs or money; with the impending post-apocalyptic world they can safely resort to a barter system to pay the bills and afford food. I hear a beaver pelt can get you a couple hours of electricity.

I’m just glad Congress finally took the measures necessary to stop the impending socialist dystopia before it became too late. Although Congress was able to finally stop Obamacare by stopping the government altogether, it seems another branch of the government tree was entirely overlooked. Where was the Supreme Court in all this? Surely the highest court in the land could have prevented the socialist coup of America. What body of law could possibly uphold this blatant violation of the rights of Americans?

The truth behind this shutdown is that it may actually be the master plan of the Republican party. Conservatives are always preaching that a limited government is the best government, and what is better than a limited government? No government.

What is more American than rejecting government? America shrugged off the yoke of big monarchy once before, what’s to stop us from doing it again? Imagine the Koch brothers as the new founding fathers. Instead of fighting against ‘no taxation without representation’ they are just fighting taxation. The congressional Republicans aren’t responsible for a do-nothing congressional quagmire, they are the modernday force for patriotic revolution; much like the minutemen but with more guns.

The Republicans are just trying to take us back to our roots as a nation. Think about it, we’ve already started another Tea Party.

The American pastime isn’t baseball or football, its regime change. From King George to Saddam Hussein, we’ve gotten really good at overthrowing government. Our latest project is our own government. Syria was a tantalizing option, but we have bigger fish to fry. America is in dire need of new leadership in order to protect American interests. Have you heard the latest news from the American government, they can’t even keep their government from shutting down.