10 ways to get your candidate elected [Parody]

The views expressed in this satirical article are not those of The USD Vista staff, the University of San Diego, or its student body. This article is a work of parody.

1. Sign your dead relatives up to vote

Great Uncle Bob and Great Aunt Suzie would have had a strong opinion about this election, and who says that their interests should go unaddressed after they’ve passed through the mortal veil? Do you disagree with your family’s views? Then, fill those ballots out for Harambe. He was more than a gorilla, and he definitely would have voted in this election.

2. Fire bomb the candidate you don’t like

Doesn’t the right to bear arms include the occasional molotov cocktail?

3. Start a comment war on social media 

The entire world is watching you destroy “@liberal_girl_1992” and                  “@trump4america1776” on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. Try using more relevant sites, like MySpace and Blogspot, if you’ve already vanquished your mainstream enemies. Bonus points with the electoral college if you sweep Tinder and Bumble.

4. Refuse to talk to people with different viewpoints

Don’t let them indoctrinate you with their reasonable retorts to your opinion! Stick to your candidate, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

5. When in doubt, involve Russia

Put the Cold War behind you and call up your old pal Putin for a presidential pep-talk. After all, he has been such a strong leader for many, many years.

6. Wear your favorite candidate shirts to the polls

Let your shirt do the talking, and let everyone at the polls know who you’re voting for this election day.

7. Think of your ballot like a scantron test

Filling in random bubbles helped you pass the 10th grade, so don’t give up on such an effective strategy now!

8. Don’t forget to vote on Nov. 28

After all, Donald Trump is extremely knowledgeable about the election process and all the important deadlines in this election. He definitely knows when election day is.

9. Ask for the opponent’s birth certificate

Illinois is close to Canada, right? How can we be so sure that Hillary was born on American soil? On the flip side, Trump’s dad gave him a small loan of a million dollars, which could have gone toward falsifying immigration papers from Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.

10. Blame someone else if your candidate loses

It’s not their fault that the election was rigged by mainstream media, congress, global warming, millennials, broken microphones, and whoever makes the voting machines!

 

Written by Kelly Kennedy, Feature Editor