A eulogy for my receding hairline

A humorous account

Noah Staninger / Humor Columnist / The USD Vista

It is with deep regret and a heavy heart that I scroll through these pictures of our time together, for I know that we will never share moments like them again. We’ve been with one another for as long as I can remember, but now that we are nearing the end, it all seems so short. I guess you never appreciate what you have until it’s already passed you by. 

Sure, we still have some time together before it can no longer be ignored, but it will all be over far too soon. You’ve already left a curve in my temples, and the top of my head is becoming noticeably thinner with each passing day. What does my future hold without you? A widow’s peak would be the best case scenario, but I doubt I should be so lucky. God forbid I resort to an comb over. Either way, I fear my questions will be answered sooner than either one of us expects.

I want to apologize for all the times I abused our relationship. The botched line-up jobs. The 2007 bowl cut. That time in middle school when I got my head shaved and looked like a thumb. Were we ever so young? I wish there was something I could do to make it up to you – Bosley maybe? Rogaine? But we both know it wouldn’t be the same, and we both wish for your end to be a graceful one.

It is important not to dwell in depression but to reflect on the good times we had together: parties, proms, graduations. You were always there for me when I really needed you. But this only makes me think of what you’ll miss in the future. Will you still be around when I meet the love of my life, or will her fingers caress a bald head. Will you attend my wedding? What about the birth of my children? Will their infant hands ever get to pull on what’s left of you? I ask these questions knowing that we only have a year or two at best but it helps to be hopeful in times like these.

Regardless of my own feelings, it is important that I respect your final wishes. Should I grow you out as long as I can so that your final moments can be ones of triumph? Or perhaps I should shave you entirely, and let you die with dignity and subtlety? With each fallen follicle I am left with fewer options. I could start waxing my scalp and get it all shiny and smooth. Do you think I could pull that off?

I will never forget all we have been through, and all you have done for me. I wish we could have at least another decade together, but I’m beginning to learn that time is never so generous. I am still young, only a senior in college, so it’s hard to imagine that we must already part ways. Perhaps we will meet again in another life time, but please, for the love of God don’t reappear on my back.