Lessons from same-sex parents

Going against heteronormative roles in the 21st century

Jessica Mills / Asst. Feature Editor / The USD Vista

Most of my childhood was spent in princess dresses, eating mac and cheese, and singing along to songs in the car with my parents. With a wandering imagination, my parents had their hands full. One day I was an international pop star performing in front of my stuffed animals, and the next I was aboard a pirate ship searching for lost treasure. I didn’t understand it then, but my parents were allowing me to adapt to different roles and widen expectations for myself.

Despite my ever-changing passions, my parents always allowed me to explore my identity. Even at a young age, I developed a strong sense of self and I owe it all to them.

To give a basic description of my parents: they’re hard-working, supportive, and empathetic. One is tall, blonde and looks like me, and the other is shorter with red, curly hair. They spend most of their time camping, gardening, and taking their dogs on various hikes. Oh, and both of my parents are female.

It wasn’t until middle school that I realized my family was different. Most of my friends had two parents, and so did I. I didn’t see the uniqueness of my family because to me, it wasn’t unique. Rather, this was my normal. The gender of my parents was less important than the love, lessons, and structure they provided.

While my moms cooked dinner every night, they also fixed broken appliances around the house. They saw the importance of possessing a wide variety of skills. Even those that are typically male gendered, like fixing a broken pipe or wiring light fixtures. Eventually, I was expected to learn these various skills as well. One day I’d help them bake blueberry muffins and the next I was learning how to change the oil in my car. I was a witness to the vast capabilities that women possess and I learned the value in self-sufficiency.

Like most families, we’d sit around our kitchen table for dinner every week. In between sharing highlights of our days, my parents also weaved in topics regarding gender and stereotypes, whether that be through language, behavior, or how I viewed my own abilities. I understood that no matter the gender roles society deemed “appropriate,” I held the power to decide my role as a woman.

At a young age, girls are supposed to be well mannered and sensitive. As they grow older, they’re then supposed to be nurturing, accommodating, and supportive. Women are the natural nurturers and men are the natural leaders. But, this is such a harmful narrative and only furthers widely accepted biases. These stereotypes make it challenging for individuals to cross gender roles, such as male nurses or female CEOs.

By providing a choice for how I wanted to identify, my parents created a safe space to navigate heternormative roles. While I always gravitated toward dolls and dresses, they were never forced upon me. I played on an all boys basketball team, collected Legos, and even traded my dresses for pants on occasion. Eventually, I became flexible with gender roles and assumptions toward myself and others.

These lessons can be taught in heteronormative relationships. While, in my experience, having same-sex parents created this dynamic, working against stereotypes is possible regardless of one’s identity. Heteronormativity is pushed at an early age. Instead of shopping in areas specifically for one’s gender, being allowed to choose from an array of items is more important. In a perfect world, shopping aisles aimed at a specific gender would not exist.

It may seem insignificant to allow a child to choose their own toys or clothing for the day, but it plays into a much bigger picture. Those simple choices morphed into adaptable roles and expectations I set for myself.

Instead of focusing my attention on what society deemed acceptable I focused on what I wanted. I may not run around in princess dresses or eat mac and cheese for every meal anymore, but I’m still that same girl that refuses to conform to stereotypical roles.