Re-examining Relationships

Tori Thomas/ Assistant Section Editor / The USD Vista

College can be a tumultuous time in a person’s life. For people navigating college relationships, having someone by your side can be both a help and a challenge. Most days there is a lot more to deal with than just a math exam or a midterm paper, and having someone to lean on can have an incredibly positive effect on a person’s life. However, relationships are complicated. To an overwhelmed student, college relationships can look like a field of landmines.

Junior Balbina De La Garza works as a peer educator in the Center for the Health and Wellness Promotion (the CHWP), located on the bottom floor of the Hahn University Center. She helps educate the student body on what a healthy college relationship looks like.

“I would say probably one of the biggest keys to a healthy relationship is open communication, honesty, trust, and just not relying so much on your partner,” De La Garza said. “Having that little bit of space to be independent but having a good relationship is a good way to maintain healthy relationships.”

Amanda Luckett is the head Prevention and Wellness Coordinator at the University of San Diego, as well as a Campus Assault Resource and Education (C.A.R.E.) advocate and has seen her fair share of college relationships. Her job is to help the USD community decipher the signs of an unhealthy relationship and know where to go to get the best care possible.

Luckett explained why education on relationship violence is so important to a college audience.

“I think the dominant story about relationship drama centers around an older married couple, with kids that live together,” Luckett said. “But we all know there are multiple stories that go along with relationship violence. A lot of those unhealthy things can be normalized in the media. We’re looking to our peers, our community, the media for answers and sometimes those aren’t always the best places to look.”

Luckett focuses on talking to students about how codepency can have a negative impact on both romantic and platonic relationships.

“So often, especially in college, we see students who get into a relationship and become very ingrained in what is happening there,” Luckett said. “It is so important to maintain a community outside that relationship. Boundaries are really important like, what am I okay with, what am I not okay with, and then your partner respects those boundaries.”

De La Garza also understands the various signs of an unhealthy relationship and what that can look like.

“I think, focusing on college relationships, academic abuse is a big indicator of an unhealthy relationship,” De La Garza said. “Instead of letting your partner be independent, you’re forcing them to take the same classes as you. Skip practice, spend time with me. Skip class and spend time with me. Then there’s isolation, manipulation.”

Fellow peer educator and junior Mikhaela Van Hoven has her own unique experiences as someone who is in a committed long-distance relationship. While long-distance and close-proximity relationships share a lot of similarities, she values the independence that long distance gives her.

“My experience is different from everyone else’s, but for me, the top difference is that I learned a lot about being independent,” Van Hoven said. “If your partner is on campus you can always call them up if you’re having a bad day. With time zones, you can’t call your partner because it’s 4 a.m. where you are. Maybe it’s just my preference, but I have my own life and my own friends, and I have someone to go back to.”

Both peer educators and C.A.R.E advocates offer assistance however they can to the students at USD. Peer educators are required to alert a C.A.R.E advocate if someone comes to them about relationship violence, but there are plenty of other resources on campus, confidential or not, that can help anyone struggling in this type of situation.

“The CHWP, Center for Health and Wellness Promotion, is a great place to start,” De La Graza said. “Students can come if they feel like they’re in an unhealthy relationship, or know someone who might be and need some advice.”

For more confidential resources, Luckett suggested a few other areas on campus to take up concerns.

“The counseling center is always a great place to chat,” Luckett said. “University Ministry as well. I like to think of University Ministry and the Counseling Center as different avenues for the same care, processing and thinking things through. Both are great avenues to talk and process and make meaning of things.”

When a friend might be in trouble, it is easy to feel lost, confused, and unsure of how to help. No one likes to see someone suffering, especially someone they care about. Van Hoven had some advice on the matter.

“Just listen. More times than not, people just want someone to listen,” Van Hoven said. “It’s not always a good idea to automatically assume the state of the relationship, but you can always ask how they feel about a situation. Let them know you care about them.”

Luckett voiced similar ideas about the importance of maintaining friendships during what could be a difficult and trying time.

“So often I think that people stay in unhealthy relationships because they feel there is no extra community outside of there,” Luckett said. “So I think as a friend, if someone is able to reaffirm there are other people, ‘I’m here for you, we can have lots of fun on our own,’ they should.”

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, and there are a lot of events happening on campus for those in need of further information or support. The football team will be wearing purple, the color representing the importance of the month, to their next home game on Oct. 27 to show solidarity with members of our community who have been victims of unhealthy relationships. Events such as Take Back the Night and Alpha Chi Omega’s Walk a Mile are the student body’s way of engaging with mental health and empathy. It is important to come together and be open to learning so USD can continue to grow and foster change within its walls and outside of them.