Scott’s Ponderdome

Scott Novak / Staff Writer / The USD Vista

Happy Halloween, dear reader. Have you chosen your costume? Do you have wonderful, vice-riddled plans for the weekend? I hope you do, for the ghouls and goblins that lurk have no remorse for the innocent that venture into their dark realm of All Hallows Eve.

Now, I don’t want to distract you from the impending, sinful antics that await you this weekend, but the events of the approaching week will affect you personally as well as have global repercussions. We are approaching a crossroads that must decide the path we take. The consequences will be immediate and will affect future generations too. The stakes are high, dear reader, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Of what am I speaking? Why, No Shave November, of course!

You don’t know it? Great googley moogley, dear reader, sometimes I worry about you. As so aptly defined by Urban Dictionary, No Shave November refers to “the month of November in which you don’t shave any hair off your body, but instead, you grow more bestial, brutish and masculine.” Don’t you wish you’d known? Think of the opportunities you’ve missed.

Some say that month-long facial “fur-ification” is depraved and silly, but I can personally attest to the benefits. First, no more shaving. No brainer, right? I estimate that the last month of beardedness has saved me about 47 minutes and 16 seconds, roughly three episodes of “Robot Chicken.” I’ve made roughly $17.63 in spare change from random people who thought I was a homeless man and my glutes are firmer than ever because of the increasing wind resistance that I encounter on my daily bike rides.

Think of the highly esteemed members of the beard club: Steven Spielberg, Socrates, Matisyahu, JT Lake, General Ulysses S. Grant, Johnny Damon (until he shaved his beard and started sucking at baseball), George Clooney and Jonathon Goldsmith, better known as the “most interesting man in the world” of Dos Equis fame. Sure, you might be the butt of the occasional Unabomber joke, but you and your bearded brethren can band together to beat that bigoted bonehead bloody.

Not enough for you? The Save Darfur Coalition is collecting pledges in November in the name of all “no-shavers.” Even the lazy can help make the world a better place, brilliant! Don’t you love the modern age? So what’s it going to be, dear reader? Bear the burden of the burly beast or will you whiffle-waffle and watch the world whither into widespread wussiness and want? Your move.