What I wish I knew before I started dating
How to maintain your standards while having fun
JESSICA MILLS / ARTS & CULTURE EDITOR / THE USD VISTA
I’ve been on my fair share of dates. Some great, others forgettable and many downright awful. Trying to navigate swiping left and right, constantly texting someone and coming up with witty replies to comments can be exhausting. Not to mention the confusing and contradictory dating advice across websites and social media platforms.
Although many of these dates fell flat, I learned crucial lessons about my own standards and boundaries. I realized that the best dating advice comes from trial and error, rather than a Tik Tok video.
Listed below are my top pieces of honest advice for those figuring out the dating world in their twenties.
Dating isn’t confusing
We’ve all heard the sayings: “wait three days to call,” “don’t double text” and “play hard to get.” But really, it’s not that complicated. In fact, playing into and being a victim to these mind games can be draining. To paint it simply — if someone likes you, you know.
Marriage and couples therapist Marni Feuerman explained in a Women’s Health Magazine article, “Mixed signals are negative signals in disguise.” In short, you don’t need to remind someone that you exist or plot and strategize ways to keep them interested in you.
Allow circumstances to take their natural course; you don’t have to convince someone to love you, the right person will do it for free.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead and move on
As stated above, you don’t need to prompt someone you’re dating/getting to know to remember you.
Amy North, an online dating coach, explained during an interview with Elite Magazine, “People ghost because they’re afraid to have a real conversation about their feelings, and that’s not someone you want to be with anyway.”
From the ghoster, not saying anything speaks volumes. They’ve made their disinterest clear, just without the decency to actually say so. This isn’t someone deserving of your energy and reaching back out rarely benefits you. In most cases, you won’t feel any better and your self-esteem can take a drastic hit, leaving the texter feeling desperate and worse than they did originally.
It’s completely natural to be hurt by someone ghosting you. Instead of sending another text message, rant about it to friends, journal or have it out with a feel-good movie.
Protect your standards
Two words: abundance mindset. This is a belief that an individual has more options, choices and resources at their disposal. The main takeaway — you don’t have to settle. Proximity principle explains that we are more likely to form relationships with those physically around us. So, for those not having any luck in their current environment, remember, there are so many more people out there that you have not met yet. Despite what others may say, it’s okay to want someone that meets and exceeds your standards.
My most honest piece of dating advice: if someone doesn’t transcend what you already offer to yourself, look elsewhere. For you to give your time to another person, they should feel privileged to spend time with you. Dating well is not about making someone fall in love with you, it’s about knowing you’re the prize and acting as such. Someone that is deserving of you will see and acknowledge your standards, meet them and create new ones.
Prioritize yourself
The main question you should be asking yourself throughout any relationship: is this right for me? In western societies, people — especially women — are taught to put the needs of others before their own. It can be very easy to get tangled up into a routine of a relationship, especially a new one. You now have someone else to consider besides yourself. Just as you’re deeming your partner’s needs important, they should be doing the same for you as well. It’s far more lonely to be alone in a relationship, than to actually be alone. You don’t have to stay with someone or give them unlimited chances to live up to your standards.
The way we treat ourselves teaches others how to treat us. While you should never have to coach someone on how to treat you, setting boundaries, maintaining a self-care routine and focusing on your passions are all helpful ways to not lose sight of what’s most important — yourself.
There are two types of single
Both equally important, singledom has two very different wardrobes. One involves dating regularly, going out and meeting new people. The other focuses on solitude, not romantically talking to others and truly being alone. Spending time with yourself allows for a better understanding of who you are. It’s nearly impossible to have a healthy relationship with others while having a toxic relationship with yourself.
Time Magazine says that while single, individuals are more open to what life throws their way, self-care often becomes a priority and their confidence in turn skyrockets. A healthy dose of isolation can spark creativity, productivity and improve the empathy one possesses towards others and themselves. You get to spend the rest of your life with yourself. Prioritize getting to know that person.
Relationships don’t determine your worth
The way someone treats you is not a reflection of who you are. Although dating can feel uncontrollable at times, you have control over what you bring to the table, how you value yourself and who you allow into your life. It can be difficult to forget that outside forces don’t hold weight over who you are.
Not being in a relationship does not mean you are unloved or unlovable. It means you’re focused on loving and prioritizing yourself.
Whether you’re single, getting to know someone, having fun or in a committed relationship, I hope this advice aids in making the dating world that much more simple to navigate.