When it’s not always the most wonderful time of the year

Stephanie Guarino Lynch, the Director for Health Promotion, shares how to cope with the difficult side of the holidays

JENNY HAN / ASST. NEWS EDITOR / THE USD VISTA

“Deck the halls with boughs of holly!” “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” This time of year, these popular  Christmas lyrics repeat day in and day out. 

There are common themes and expectations during this time. It’s stereotyped as a time to be a time for reuniting with the people that matter most to us. It’s stereotyped as a time to rock out to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” for the 25th time as you sip Starbucks holiday drinks and nibble on gingerbread man cookies. It’s stereotyped as a time where you go all out on buying gifts and hope that you don’t get socks again. However, these narratives don’t resonate with everyone. 

For others, the holidays are a source of stress, anxiety, and grief. This is especially the case for those who may have complicated or negative relationships with family. Christmas might be a reminder of the not-so-ideal home life they wanted to leave behind in college. Holiday family dinners might mean pointless arguments with relatives over politics. Time spent at home may also mean a period of time where those who are a part of the LGBTQ+ community are ostracized or belittled by homophobic family members. 

Despite these difficulties, Stephanie Guarino Lynch, the Director for Health Promotion at the University of San Diego Center for Health and Wellness Promotion, shared strategies one can utilize in order to make this time of the year a little easier. 

The first step that Guarino Lynch suggests is to be prepared. To her this can be achieved by asking oneself a series of questions: 

• “Can I draw some boundaries that might help me engage in that space better? If so, what are they?” 
• “Are there elements that I can communicate with people there about what will make time spent together a successful experience for both me and them?”
• “What might be needed to make this space better?”
• “How can I/we adjust from living separately to spending time together again?”  
• “While I’m home, what am I going to do to take care of myself?” 

All of these key questions center around the concept of boundaries which serve to achieve two goals: first, it should help the boundary setters determine what they are and aren’t comfortable within a relationship; and secondly, it should outline what kind of treatment they want to get from said person. 

To her, there are two main techniques in establishing these boundaries. The first method is through communication. First, establish if the conversation is going to be one-on-one or in a group setting. 

“Trying to talk with people on a more individual level tends to be more successful and helpful than maybe a group level conversation unless maybe someone feels like their family dynamic is very group-oriented and that it can be more helpful to have more of a family-wide conversation,” Guarino Lynch says. 

Then, one should establish the reason for having this conversation and layout their needs. Guarino Lynch finds it helpful to have this conversation in advance, before officially going back if possible. What boundaries one wants to establish completely depends on the individual. For example, if you have opposing views on politics with a relative, your boundary could be asking said relative to not mention a certain politician. 

Regardless of what these boundaries are, Guarino Lynch says that it’s important to have the other person understand that this is coming from a place of love and of wanting to make the relationship better. Additionally, when having these conversations, the language that one should use should also be I-oriented rather than you-oriented.

 “When we can name our own feelings and experiences, what they said or what the other person did, why that impacts you, and how that impacts you, it’s harder for the other person to take that away,” Guarino Lynch said. 

There are several helpful phrases one can use to establish this: 

• “This is important to me, what’s important to you?”
• “How can we best work through this/respect this boundary I have because this relationship matters to me”
• “This impacts me because XYZ”
• “I love you”. 

The second method of establishing boundaries that Guarino Lynch suggested is by removing yourself from the situation. 

“It’s okay to step away and say this is not a space or relationship that’s serving me right now. For instance, if you are aware that a certain relative will be venomous towards certain identities, you can choose not to engage with that person in the first place,” Guarino Lynch said. “If a certain person is continually using triggering language during a conversation, stop the conversation. Self-care and leaning into other support systems and communities are key for recovering after said situations.” 

If you find yourself in a situation where it would be safer for you to distance yourself from your family, Guarino Lynch suggests having a Plan B. This could include going to a friend’s

 place or relative’s house in another city or state. She also suggests reaching out to USD Residential Life, especially for students who would like to remove themselves from home but don’t have anywhere else to go. 

Another USD resource that Guarino Lynch recommends students utilize is the USD Counseling Center.

“Our counseling center, clinical staff, and student wellness are here to support students who are navigating challenging relationships. That’s one of the top things that students actually talk to our counselors about,” Guarino Lynch said. “I think folks can often be surprised by how much you can help to just talk about it with another person and get some support around that in their lives.” 

And as a general note to everyone, Guarino Lynch believes that the USD community needs to acknowledge that the holidays aren’t the same for everyone. 

“Often when we’re talking to folks, there’s this assumption that everyone celebrates holidays and has good family relationships,” Guarino Lynch said. “And so as we’re even just having conversations with each other in these final weeks of the semester, we need to kind of broaden how we’re asking people about that, acknowledging that not everyone might celebrate the way you do or have a relationship that looks like yours.” The holidays may not be the best time of the year. But it doesn’t have to be the worst time of the year either. The key to a successful holiday season is to create safer spaces by laying out boundaries and distancing yourself from toxic situations. Here’s to the start of a new year.