Jennette McCurdy is ‘glad her mom died’

Respected author visits USD

Colin Mullaney / Copy Editor / The USD Vista

(content warning: eating disorder, childhood abuse and sexual abuse)

Although writer and former actress Jennette McCurdy visited USD on Dec. 8 last semester, her memoir, “I’m Glad my Mom Died,” continues to make waves and demonstrate its cultural impact. The popular book remains near the top of the New York Times bestseller list seven months after its publication and addresses McCurdy’s childhood experiences growing up with an abusive mother, who pressured her to become a child actress at the age of six. While Gen Z is arguably most familiar with McCurdy for her role as Sam Puckett on the popular Nickelodeon show “iCarly,” McCurdy declares in her new book — and during her Q&A hosted by the Torero Program Board — that she has transitioned into a new phase of life, centered around writing and her aspirations to direct and produce.

In her memoir, McCurdy addresses the pain that resulted from her mother’s erratic behavior and the pressure that her mom, Debra, placed on Jennette to become an actress. Feeling as though she had missed her own window for success in life, Debra saw the potential to vicariously live out her dream through a young and vulnerable Jennette. Thus began Jennette’s childhood acting career which would culminate in McCurdy’s role on “iCarly” from 2007 to 2012, as well as an eating disorder that would haunt Jennette for years to come. 

McCurdy attributes her struggles with disordered eating to the pressure her mom and the acting industry imposed on her to be perfect, including pressure to support her entire family financially. From the age of 11, Jennette was taught calorie restriction and self-abuse tactics to maintain her mother’s impossible standards. Even after her mother’s death, the consequences of these learned behaviors continued with devastating effects, like Jennette losing a tooth from the stomach acid she vomited during daily purging that spanned many years. McCurdy’s willingness to be vulnerable, honest and direct in her recount of these traumatic events translates into an impressive and accessible work, with the promise of validating other children from codependent and emotionally enmeshed family systems.  

Another part of her mother’s abuse included invasive “cancer screenings.” Since the time Jennette was young, her mother was in remission for stage four breast cancer, with the understanding that the cancer could return at any moment. As a result, Debra lived in a state of fear and paranoia, which she inflicted upon her children by forcing them to submit to full body searches for cancer. Ultimately, Debra’s cancer did return, causing her death in 2013, when Jennette was only 21 years old. 

Only after her mom’s death was Jennette able to truly begin unpacking the harm which had occurred from her mom’s abusive behavior, but healing and finding herself was not a linear path. In the immediate aftermath, Jennette struggled with alcoholism and ongoing eating disorders, as well as a new, shocking revelation that her mother had kept a secret for decades.

During her visit to USD, McCurdy explained the process behind writing her book. The story — published by Simon and Schuster in 2022 — began as a one-woman stage comedy. However, this show was postponed and canceled in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. Her book is divided into two sections: “Before” and “After” her mom’s death, with emphasis on the personal growth she has achieved since finding her independence.

The memoir began as a series of vignettes, or short scenes based on the experiences that McCurdy deemed most relevant. By facing these negatively charged memories and unresolved traumas, McCurdy gained confidence in herself to deal with them and move beyond. 

In doing so, several patterns emerged around all the ways her mother’s behavior had affected her, which allowed Jennette to separate herself from her mother’s abuse — characterized by a lack of personal boundaries and respect. Because Jennette’s mother had been so overbearing and controlling, Jennette had a hard time differentiating herself from her mother, until she engaged in the process of writing about what had happened to her in her childhood.

Nowadays, McCurdy is a huge advocate of personal boundaries and therapy. Since her mother’s death, McCurdy shared that her guiding principle and primary life advice for USD students is: “if it’s not a ‘hell yes,’ it’s a ‘hell no.’”

In other words, learning to trust oneself and one’s intuition after years — if not a lifetime — of being micromanaged and manipulated, makes a huge difference in terms of personal life satisfaction. Living life on another person’s terms — even if that person is a parent who one feels indebted to — is no meaningful existence, and it only promotes chronic feelings of guilt, emptiness and shame.

“Boundaries,” McCurdy emphasized repeatedly, in her characteristically frank and comedic style. 

Unfortunately, the USD audience witnessed a verbal exchange near the end of the night, in which McCurdy’s personal boundaries were put to a test.

McCurdy asked the audience if they had anything else to discuss, at which point an unidentified audience member yelled back, “Butter sock” — a reference to McCurdy’s character on “iCarly.” McCurdy seemed confused and hurt by the student’s comment, but tried to interrogate the matter further.

“I’m just curious what made you say that; I think it’s really interesting,” McCurdy observed, asking the student to elaborate.

The student — seemingly unaware of the hurtful nature of their comment — continued to speak, to the horror of Shiley Theatre.   

“My roommate and I almost brought you a ‘butter sock’ to sign,” the student replied, confidently.

However, McCurdy handled the encounter with dignity and grace. 

“I’m really glad you didn’t do that, because I wouldn’t have signed it,” McCurdy concluded, before transitioning to a different topic altogether. 

USD senior Mari Aguilar-Vargas was present  for the exchange and felt a range of emotions.

“It was so uncomfortable, I think you could hear a pin drop,” Aguilar-Vargas commented. “Especially because Jennette had just explained her difficult experiences on the show, including how difficult it was to be treated by fans as if she was only her character, Sam, rather than a whole person with unique qualities, talents, goals and needs. We were all so mad at whoever harassed her.”

Many USD students feared that McCurdy would associate the rude comment with the university itself and take personal offense, after an otherwise enjoyable evening. 

However, the lessons which McCurdy imparted to students through her talk and her memoir were far more salient and memorable, thanks to McCurdy’s generosity and willingness to provide signed copies of her book to the first 100 student attendees at her Q&A, free of cost to students.